When People Are Hard to Love

Human beings are hard to love. They are messy and often come with baggage. They don’t act as we think they should. They clip their nails in the cubicle next to you, burn bags of popcorn in the microwave, sit incredibly too close to the camera on Zoom calls, forget to mute, and can’t quite understand why using “reply all” isn’t always appropriate. Yet with all our quirks and unique qualities, the truth is we need each other. 

Last time I checked, not one of us has all of the talent, skills, and knowledge to accomplish everything that needs doing in our organization. The one-person show just doesn’t work in most circumstances. So how can we embrace the idea that we need each other and actually learn to love and appreciate the diversity around us? 

It Starts With You

“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” Ann Landers delivered a humorous warning that challenges us to seek a more comprehensive picture of ourselves. Our furry friends may cock their heads as we vent about our day, somehow making us think that they really do get it, but ultimately the tail wag, snuggling, and licking our face builds us up to perhaps a false sense of...well, wonderfulness. When a sounding board doesn’t talk back, it may be the perfect time to take Max for a walk and practice self-awareness. 

When we invest the time to see ourselves clearly, are mindful of how we impact people around us and are cognizant of how others perceive us, we tend to be more open in our interactions and discussions, assume less, and welcome honest, constructive feedback for growth. Recognizing that we have our own foibles and learning to manage them so they don’t become roadblocks to our success, productivity, and effectiveness speaks volumes to peers and employees. 

Plenty of research has been conducted around this concept and the results speak for themselves. Studies have shown that improving self-awareness makes us “more confident and more creative. We make sounder decisions, build stronger relationships, and communicate more effectively...We are better workers who get more promotions. And we’re more-effective leaders with more-satisfied employees and more-profitable companies.” [1] As leaders, true self-awareness is a vital step that actually walks us towards self-love (not to be confused with selfishness). Rather, we take off the blinders, examine ourselves, commit to growth, and choose to value the talents deep within us. In doing so, we find greater capacity to lead with humility, appreciation, and love of others.

Lead With Positive Intent

There’s a great dialogue in the classic movie White Christmas. It takes place between Bob Wallace (Bing Crosby) and Betty Haynes (Rosemary Clooney) and goes like this:

Bob: Even little Judy’s got an angle going.
Betty: She didn’t mean anything.
Bob: Don’t apologize. Everybody's got an angle.
Betty: That’s pretty cynical.
Bob: Oh, come now Miss Haynes. Surely you knew everybody’s got a little larceny operating in them?
Betty: My sister and I don't play angles.

Poor Bob. He assumes that everyone has an agenda. And I can’t blame him. We’ve been trained to be wary, doubtful, and mistrustful. Perhaps for good reason based on our experiences. If we want to affect change as leaders, however, let’s rethink how we approach those we work with. Leading with positive intent is a choice and believes that others’ intentions are good. A positive intent mindset steps into situations assuming that people are doing the best that they can. Maika Leibrandt, Senior Workplace Consultant at Gallup, views positive intent as “...admitting each person has a different filter on the world and preparing yourself to receive this reality with open arms.”  [2]

Take a moment and think about your week. Being honest with yourself, can you recall situations where you reacted with negative intent? You may not have called the other person out, but subconsciously you thought the reason for their action was because “she doesn't care” or “he’s ignorant.” How did this assumption affect your presence, your body language, your tone, your stress level? 

Now reverse that. Instead of negative intent, see the same situation and lead with positive intent. What changes? Chances are you are calmer, your voice is reassuring as you engage in nonaccusatory dialogue, you refuse to judge instead giving the person the benefit of the doubt. 

Do people make mistakes? Of course. It’s natural to mess up now and again, to drop the ball, to forget to follow through. We are human after all. Sometimes, though, we fail to extend the same grace to others that we give ourselves. For example, when I forget to do something I know it’s simply because I didn’t write it down and I got busy with other things. No malicious intent on my part. I strive each day to do a good job and meet expectations. So why is it that when my co-worker drops the ball my immediate reaction is to think that he is incompetent and can’t complete the basic functions of his role? I give myself the benefit of the doubt so maybe I can pause and do the same for others. 

In order to make positive intent a habit, begin by pausing. On your drive into the office or as you sip your morning coffee, think about your employees and take inventory of their value and what it is that you appreciate about them. This mindful practice will literally change your thought patterns and you will begin to approach each interaction and situation with positive intent, compassion, and love.

Hold Others Accountable

It may seem counterintuitive, but then again it’s about how you as a leader approach accountability. The dictatorial, “just get it done or else” method doesn’t relay appreciation of the talent and uniqueness around you. Nor is it wise to bury your head in the sand hoping against hope that the problem will correct itself or simply go away. In fact, both of these approaches scream that you don’t care about the success of your employees or your organization. Leaders who hold themselves and others accountable demonstrate true love.

Most articles, research papers, and blogs on this subject suggest that accountability in the workplace leads to increased employee engagement, satisfaction, and trust. It also creates an atmosphere of innovation and creativity. When individuals and teams align their work with the mission and values of the organization and receive honest and constructive feedback from leaders as to what is working and what is hindering their success, most employees will rise to the challenge, take ownership for their actions, and develop new and better ways to achieve goals. 

Being aware of the benefits that come when we hold others accountable, leaders must be intentional about engaging in conversations with their employees. This simple act appeals to high-performers as well as those who are struggling. While it may be easier to speak to your star employees, ignoring those who are underperforming can be detrimental. Gallup states that “employees who feel cared for by their managers are more likely to want to come through. People who feel neglected aren’t so motivated.” [3] 

So heed the warning and choose to love and care for your people--those that make it easy and perhaps especially those that don’t. Those diamonds in the ruff (that burn the popcorn) may turn out to shine brightly with some attention.

If you want to become a more loving leader but need some support we can help! Lakeside Leadership Services offers a free initial half-hour consultation and coaching session to leaders, and we have affordable coaching packages with discounts for leaders of nonprofit organizations. Visit us online at www.lakesideleadership.org or send an email to contactus@lakesideleadership.org to take the next step in your leadership journey. 

References

1 Eurich, Tasha, Ph.D. (2018, January 4). What Self-Awareness Really Is (and How to Cultivate It). Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2018/01/what-self-awareness-really-is-and-how-to-cultivate-it

2 Leibrandt, Maika (8 May, 2018). Strengths-Based Principles in Action: What Not to Forget. Gallup. https://www.gallup.com/cliftonstrengths/en/249821/strengths-based-principles-action-not-forget.aspx#:~:text=Leading%20with%20positive%20intent%20means,assertion%3B%20it's%20also%20a%20practice

3 Robertson, A. and Dvorak, N. (3 June, 2019). 5 Ways to Promote Accountability. Gallup. https://www.gallup.com/workplace/257945/ways-create-company-culture-accountability.aspx